Over the years I’ve observed a bunch of Christian leaders with really similar traits. Super gifted, visionary, popular, articulate, confident, insightful, successful and courageous, yet as you get closer to them, another side emerges which is more controlling, manipulative, self-serving, boastful, unable to empathize, intolerant of negative feedback and unable to admit they’re wrong. I’ve watched them eventually only trust their own children, and fill their staff with their kids. Inevitably one kid rebels, gets ostracized, and then the others fall even more resolutely in line.

A while ago I googled these traits and discovered the term narcissism was a really good description. You may have heard of the ancient Roman myth about Echo and Narcissus. Echo kept the peace in the family by talking so much that she distracted Juno from noticing that her husband Jupiter was cheating on her with the nymphs. Juno cursed her so she could only repeat words someone else said, having no voice of her own. She fell in love with a handsome young man named Narcissus, but he harshly rejected her. The nymphs prayed to Nemesis to punish Narcissus, causing him to fall in love with his own reflection in a pool of water where he wasted away and died.

Here are the signs of narcissism in a cute acronym:

1. Sense of self-importance
2. Preoccupation with power, beauty, or success 
3. Entitled
4. Can only be around people who are important or special
5. Interpersonally exploitative for their own gain
6. Arrogant
7. Lack empathy
8. Must be admired
9. Envious of others or believe that others are envious of them

I got pretty captivated with this, as I thought through the past 40 years of my adult life and all the people I’ve worked alongside, the coaches I’ve played under and the churches I’ve attended. I told Heather, “I know so many people with these tendencies!” She replied, “I don’t know any.” Hmm. That made me wonder if birds of a feather flock together. I dug a little deeper.

It turns out narcissists are extremely interesting people, who are obsessed with interesting things and mostly value spending time with other interesting people. That’s because their value comes from being interesting…. I’m attracted to interesting people. Oh shoot. I checked with Heather: “When I meet someone, I’m thinking what interesting thing do I have to contribute to the conversation.” Heather replied, “I never think that.” What do you think about? “How to love them.” Ouch.

Interesting. Theaurus.com has the main synonym as entertaining. That sounds an awful lot like distracting. I don’t think the Bible values interesting: “All the Athenians and the foreigners who lived there spent their time doing nothing but talking about and listening to the latest ideas.” – Acts 17:21. Not a compliment.

The kingdom of God is not interesting. It’s powerful and loving and rich and deep and intimate and meaningful and eternal and awesome. This is the only answer for those of us have these tendencies. We can feel special because we believe God loves us and his power can do anything through us. That’s different than thinking we’re somehow better than another. That’s scary and embarrassing and shameful.

Narcissists attract echoists, by the way, who have their own set of issues. It’s a nasty situation of someone playing God and others submitting to their leadership for the side-benefits and the fear of the repercussions of leaving.

Without God as King we are doomed to play Narcissus or Echo: being a human king, building our own kingdom, or serving someone else who’s building theirs. There is only one way to be saved: making Jesus Christ our Lord.

“So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!” – Romans 7:21-24