God’s been really clear with me for the past 6 weeks that I’m in a season of staying focussed. It feels like I’m not allowed a single minute in the day where I get to choose what I want to do.

He has me working really hard. A few days ago Heather and I were listening to a podcast about wasting time with God, like with a friend, and the joy that intimacy brings. The next morning I said to Jesus, “let’s waste time together.” He said, “I’d love to, really looking forward to it one day, but now’s not the time; there’s work to do.”

I had an appointment in Vancouver this morning, which requires an hour and a half drive each way. Then an old friend invited me to a birthday dinner for the night before, also in Vancouver. So I arranged to stay overnight with other old friends.

As I was going out the door with my bag packed, Heather asked me why I was going. I’m like, “honey, we’ve been friends forever and he’s turning 50; I don’t mind putting in the effort to make this happen.” (Spoiler alert: you should listen to your wife.)

Driving out there I was full of joy, which has been my usual state of being over these 6 weeks. But I was a little off at the dinner, not really flowing or enjoying myself, even though the guys were great. Then I spend time visiting with the other friends where I was crashing for the night. Also good people, but I wasn’t feeling it.

The next morning as I was praying I had this very strange feeling. God wasn’t there. I’m not always aware of God’s presence, but I can really feel it when he’s absent. I was all on my own, having a one-way conversation with the ceiling. Yuck.

So I started going through the recent events. What had thrown me off? I couldn’t think of anything I said or anyone else said that would explain my situation. What could it be?

Then I remembered a word I received from a friend the day before via WhatsApp: “Be careful. The enemy is sneaking around and laying traps, trying to get you hung up in stuff that will take your attention off what God has given you to do.”

Oh no! In this season, I’m only allowed to do what God tells me to do, and he didn’t tell me to go to this birthday party. I had talked myself into it. “It’ll be fun; I need a break; I can’t cancel on him; am I too important to take time off for friends; it will be loving; etc.”

What’s worse is that I noticed what Heather said as I was leaving. I didn’t just hear her, I heard her. I chose, unconsciously, to ignore the prompting of the Holy Spirit. I didn’t notice at the time (is that even true?) but looking back I remember a feeling when she said those words.

I was repenting, but unable to restore fellowship with the Holy Spirit. Awful feeling. Then I got the email: my appointment was cancelled. All my work to optimize my trip into town was down the drain. At that moment, I was instantly restored. I messed up, I got punished, and now all is good again.

I was confessing this over breakfast with my host couple, and one of them said they felt the same thing when I said I wanted to stay at their place: why is Doug going to a birthday party in this season? Of course, it was quickly explained away.

The Holy Spirit was talking to at least 4 of us to keep me on track, and I still missed it. Oh God, have mercy! Keep me on the straight and narrow. Discipline me as often as necessary so that I may obey. I am only alive in your presence.

Then Moses said to him, “If your Presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here.” – Exodus 33:15